They are afraid of anal sex. The thought of oral sex is disgusted by them. But out of fear of being deceived or abandoned, they cannot say no “no” to their partner.

More than 30 years have passed after the sexual revolution with its motto “pleasure without borders” and “my body belongs only to me” – and many women have not learned to refuse a man in that sexual practice that is unpleasant for them.

“Oral sex is not mine at all, from one thought about this I am just sick,” Natalya complains. -And yet I sometimes force myself to make him a blowjob to give pleasure. How to get out of this situation?”Alena echoes her:“ Some time ago, my husband began to persuade me to have anal sex. I refuse all the time, I’m afraid that it will be too painful, but I feel that I will have to go through it “.

Break of contract

The stories of women who are concessions in the intimate sphere indicate a fundamental fear: to see that the beloved man will “go left”, destroy the social image of his couple, to sentenced himself to loneliness that inspires horror. Refusal for them means the risk of violating the marriage contract.

But the fact is that the couple also concludes an unspoken sex contract. In other words, he finds his sexual path: that which gives both one, what can and that cannot be accepted on a certain segment of intimate relationships. Around this set of rules the couple and builds his sex life.

“If one of the partners decides to go beyond the boundaries marked by red flags, then he breaks out an unspoken contract,” explains the sexologist Jacques Weinberg. – Since the initiative of change usually comes from a man, women sometimes decide that a marriage contract is more important than sexual: they force themselves. “.

Sexy opponents

“Male sexuality is always the sexuality of the conqueror,” explains the psychoanalyst Jacqueline Sheffer, author of the book “Women’s Refusal” (Presses Universitaires de France, 2013). “It opposes female sexuality, in which there is something from erotic masochism, perhaps because women agree to be pierced by a male penis”.

In a female subconscious, we often meet a dream of a strong, sometimes cruel man who causes fantasies on the topic of abduction or violence. Thus, female sexuality is based on fantasies, and the idea of dominance is an element of pleasure.

“But the problem is

Efter fodsel kan dit forhold til en partner andre sig pa grund af kombinationen af ​​flere faktorer. Og selvfolgelig skal fysisk narhed gendannes, fordi der viagra 100 mg pris en maned ikke var noget mellem dig. Det er ikke nodvendigt at starte med det samme fra normal sex: Du kan gore hinanden med dine hander og mund samt udnytte sexlegetoj. Find ud af, hvordan du vil reagere pa stimulering af forskellige dele af kroppen, prov narheden til partneren.

that the line between erotic and moral masochism is very thin,” emphasizes Jacqueline Sheffer. – The first can lead to pleasure. The second leads to cruelty, suppression, sometimes to violence and sadomasochism. “. In such a situation, sex becomes only an additional tool for social dominance, a visible sign of male omnipotence. It is interesting that women themselves usually do not realize this situation as violence, considering it something ordinary.

The burden of guilt

Among the reasons why they say “yes” when they think “no”, women often call an attempt to light a fading desire. “Of course, work, children and twenty years of life together make themselves felt,” says 44-year-old Marina. – Often I absolutely do not want to have sex. Sometimes I force myself a little, because I know: I slowly swing, but then the desire comes “.

But it is important to understand that respect for the desire of another has nothing to do with forced sex. The latter leads not only to frigidity and cooling in a couple, but also to a terrifying depreciation of its own image.

Jacqueline Sheffer recalls a patient who described her sexual relationship with her husband as follows: “I have a feeling that he goes to me by need”. Women can say about this at the reception with a psychotherapist, but they feel absolutely unable to talk about this with their spouse.

According to the psychosexologist Frederick Gruye, women who agree to the practices unacceptable to them experience guilt because they think that not everything is in order with them. These are the first victims of the advice that the media throw us: what to do and what not to do, what is normal and what is not ”.

Such a feeling of guilt is sometimes covered by love: “I do it because I love him”.

“In sexuality, in the nature of a man – to take, to own, in the nature of a woman – to resist, give up, but also give,” Jacqueline Schaeffer emphasizes. – This leads to a mother’s feeling. Many women perceive their husband as a child: if he wants it, I will give him, albeit to the detriment of my own pleasure. “.

Thus, a woman threatens her own mental balance. “Say“ yes ”when you think no, it means to give your partner a right that he does not own: the right to abuse our body,” says Martin Teyak, psychoanalyst. “We are the owners of our body and, abandoning this domination, we refuse all pleasure.”.

The best way to say no is to tell the truth: that you do not like what he asks to do, that you do not want to imitate, that this is a question of desire, not love. Just an imitation undermines a pair: no stable relations can be based on lies. Women say that they do not want to discuss this topic out of fear of being abandoned or deceived?

“The paradox is that they will be abandoned or deceived precisely because they did not speak on this topic,” retorts Martin Teyak. – Relations in a pair should be built on the desire to share everyone, including our bodies. If we do not share, because there is violence, then the couple no longer exists. This is only visibility “.

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